Don't Jump to Conclusions!

I feel the need to preface this post with an explanation.

I love writing, but it also makes me feel very vulnerable, and exposed at times...kind of like when I was walking towards the bus stop in 7th grade only to realize that my brother's friend Dalton was walking behind me the entire time holding my skirt up! I was mortified!! Putting my writings out there for all the world to see (it would probably be more accurate to say, "for the 2 of you readers to see") puts that same feeling in my gut.

Now to the explanation...I haven't written poetry in years! The majority of my writings were done in high school. And to be honest, a lot of it is dark. However, I have never dealt with most of the topics I've written on...I've never been depressed, have never contemplated suicide, my mother's never died (thankfully!!), etc. So, PLEASE don't assume I'm hiding some deep, dark secrets or need to have an intervention called on me!!

Now...with that said, here's my first poem I've chosen to post per my friend Ginny's request.

TORN

I'm afraid to reveal to you my true feelings-
Simply because I'm afraid of admitting them to myself.
How can I live-
Knowing I've pledged my life to one
When secretly I've given my heart to another?
How can I say that I love him with my head...
But I love you with my heart?
This will have to remain our little secret-
Yours and mine.
Never to reveal my true feelings to him-
It would crush and utterly destroy his world!

I suddenly feel trapped!

How do you trust that God's will is perfect in circumstances such as this?

Do I continue lying to myself...to him...to you?

I want you to know me-
The real me.
I want to bare my soul to you.
I want to throw off all these hindrances,
All these facades.
I have to be honest...

I'm in love with you!

I have loved you from the first time we met...
And I will love you forever.

Questions begin echoing through my mind-
Questions of integrity and morality.

I just have to ask,
Do you feel the same way towards me?
Or am I making a fool of myself?

I long to see you!
Yet I'm terrified!
Will my true feelings show for you?
How could they not?

Why?
Why now??
Why not 10 years ago???
Maybe I could have saved you-
Sparing you the emptiness, loneliness and pain you've experienced,
And you could have done the same for me.

It's not fair!

Yes, I love him.
I made a choice to love him.
I made a promise.
But with you...
I can never escape the thought of you.
You've consumed me for days, months, years...
Longing to find you,
To reconnect our hearts together once more.

I can't wait for sleep to come.
Only then can I be with you,
Unhindered by reality.

Then it's like you never even left-
I can still see your face.
Hear your laugh.
Taste your kiss.

I want to hold your hands in mine-
Even if only for a brief moment.
But I couldn't bear to let you go!
Afraid that 13 more years will pass-
Only to lose you again.
I can't do that to my heart.

Yet I have to ask myself,
Which is more painful...?
Not knowing where you are, yet holding you close in my dreams...
Or being so close to you, yet knowing I can't have you?

But I need you!

Just trust that my heart belongs to you.

Nothing!

Time.
Distance.
People.
Circumstances.

Nothing will ever change the fact that my heart is yours.

I love you!