My heart was crushed, my trust broken, my dreams shattered.
I was desperate for his love. I longed for him to be true to me...only me.
But he wasn't.
He would keep me at a distance-giving me just a taste of the delicasies my heart desired, to keep me coming back and begging for more with promises of the good stuff...but would be sorely disappointed to be fed only scraps.
His words would lure me in and then I would take the bait...only to find myself trapped in the undertow-which would suck me under, then allow my heart to come up momentarily gasping for air, only to be sucked under once more.
Sadly, this describes a relationship I was in several years ago. After being separated from this man for about a month and a half, I met my (now) husband. With the excitement of a new relationship, I didn't take the time to sift through all the past hurt and confusion. So I just stashed it in the recesses of my mind-assuming the memories would decay and fall apart on their own...yet 13 years later, I found out that God had something He wanted to teach me through my pain.
A couple of weeks ago, God dusted off the box, and allowed it to resurface. He lovingly forced me to sift through the ashes while I sat at His feet. I had no idea what He was about to show me!
I asked Him at one point, "Your Word says that you've experienced everything we've gone through and that you know our hurts...but Jesus, you were single! How in the world did you experience this kind of pain??"
I was not expecting this response. This is what He told me:
"Because that's exactly how much my heart breaks when you put other people/things in my place."
Humbled, I started crying all over again...but this time, it wasn't over what had happened TO me so long ago. It was what I had done TO Jesus here and now.
I had no idea! I had ignorantly believed that He a) didn't care or b) was mad when I allowed my heart to wander. How differently I see it now.
Allow Him to search your heart and see what He shows you.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:22-24